Stop Counting
by xxyou're the music in mexx
Summary: What is Blair Waldorf without Chuck Bass? A question Blair herself was asking, and had found the answer to. The Bass/Van der Woodsen wedding provides the perfect opportunity for her to tell the world, or at least the people that matter, her solution. BxC


**So this is my first Gossip Girl fic, based on the TV series btw! I hope you all like it! It's based around the time of Bart and Lily's wedding, mainly involving the couple I feel are the best suited in Gossip Girl, Blair and Chuck. (They're my favorite :P)I'd love to hear what you think about it, I hated the ending of the series, with Chuck just **_**abandoning**_** Blair for some stupid interior whatever…so I changed it. ) Added my own spin to it. And just to let you know, in this fic, Blair and Chuck have been dating since Nate dumped her. Okies? Great, review please!! Love Evie xx**

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"B? Are you okay?" Serena questioned her motionless best friend.

Blair didn't respond, she remained still, lifeless. Her chocolate tresses were curled to perfection, framing her ashen appearance whilst the dark eye make-up accentuated her cold, hard eyes. The deep redness painted on her small mouth only succeeded to remind every observer exactly how pale her face was. Her already slim figure had lost weight rapidly over the past few weeks, resulting in her high-priced classy outfit hanging off her ghostly figure. She looked so frail, so small, so...lost. She looked as though she was in desperate need of love and nourishment. Someone to care for her and spend their days with her, she looked as though she should be wrapped in a giant ball of cotton wool and hidden away from the world, protected. Only she wasn't. She was here, the event that the entire social calendar was centered upon, the wedding that would unite the Van der Woodsen family with the Bass household. She was on show for everyone to see, for everyone to envy, for everyone to remark on, for everyone to challenge her emotional strength. She was here for a mass eating of humble pie. Not by her. Of course not. When did a Waldorf ever publicly step back and apologize/admit they were wrong? Never. It just wasn't done.

No. She was here to show everyone they were wrong, about her, about her life, about her strength, about everything. To put it bluntly, Blair Cornelia Waldorf, heiress to the multi-billion pound Waldorf inheritance and only child of Harold Waldorf, Esquire and his highly successful fashion designer wife, Eleanor Waldorf...doesn't take shit from anyone. Least of all the people she considered to be both best friends and ultimate enemies. They'd pay...eventually. But not today. Today she had enough on her plate without serving everyone a slice of humble pie, if you'll excuse the pun. No, today it was time for Blair Waldorf to shine. Today it was time to set her mind on destroying the one thing she both treasured most and hated with pure venom. Today was the day she was going to tear down the only real relationship she'd ever been happy in. Today was the day the whole world would find out exactly what she knew.

"Blair? It's time to find our seats" Serena whispered urgently, gently nudging her.

The raven-haired girl snapped out of her trance and nodded quickly at the willowy blonde stood next to her. Hesitating a moment, she stepped back to allow Serena to go through first. With her head held high she managed to ignore the stares coming her way and the hushed whispers as she walked past table after table.

"This is it, this is your seat. I'm at the head table but I'm here if you need me alright B?" Serena murmured.

Blair glanced quickly at the name cards strategically placed around the circular table and nodded her head once again. With a peck on the cheek and a whiff of perfume she was gone, and Blair was left alone, stood unsurely behind a gold gilt chair at a table with no other guests present. Unsteadily she 

drew back her chair, scooped up her skirt underneath her and sat, her ankle tucked behind her right, like every lady is taught. Snapping open her purse, she scrambled around its contents, trying to appear busy and occupied so no one would notice that she was at all bothered about being alone. For not the first time, but what she was determined would be the last, Blair Waldorf was deserted.

The scraping of a chair caused her to look up, only to see Nathaniel Archibald, her best friend since kindergarten, her boyfriend since she grew into her ears and ex-boyfriend/enemy since she slept with his best friend. She smiled saccharinely, before looking back at her purse. She did not, however, miss the look of confusement that passed his pretty-boy features. Inside she allowed herself a silent giggle. It was the first time she had been civil with him in weeks. Indeed, the first time she had passed up the opportunity to make a snide remark on his choice of a new girlfriend. A girl that in Blair Waldorf's opinion was dead weight and would only drag him further down the social ladder. Unlike herself, who if Nate hadn't have been so hasty and self-absorbed and had remembered that not only did he do exactly the same bad deed and sleep with Blair's best friend Serena when he was on a date with the former, that Blair had actually forgiven him and taken him back and that when Blair slept with his ex-best friend her and Nate weren't actually a couple…and would have stayed with her and they would have soared to excellency…and Yale, together.

Shrugging slightly she took out her cell phone. It was his loss. She couldn't care less whether Nathaniel Fitzwilliam Archibald slid so far down the social ladder that he slipped off the end into a pool of dirty, bedraggled, unkempt and downright revolting poor people that couldn't tell the difference between Audrey Hepburn and Audrey Flack, if they knew either. She had paintings of them both in her room. Well, a painting _of _Audrey Hepburn and one _by_ Audrey Flack, both of which she admired. So yes, she neither understood nor cared why Nate couldn't bear to be around her when they did both commit the same sin. She'd only repeated what he himself had done. And okay some people had said she should've learnt from his mistakes but since when did she ever listen to what people said? Other than Gossip Girl.

She snapped her cell shut and straightened up. Her eyes came into contact with Nate's and she held his gaze. This also confused him, not once in the past few months had she ever looked him in the eye for more than a couple of seconds. The nasty remarks she said so regularly about Vanessa were usually directed at his shoes, or someone over his shoulder. Or to Vanessa's face.

Once again she smiled, stretching the perfect mouth of hers, her plump and inviting lips spread into a grin that hadn't graced her face in a long time. The grin that had been reserved for only two men in her life, and one of them was sat before her.

Nate looked at the girl he'd thought he'd spend the rest of his life with. The girl who when they had first met when they were 4 years old had shouted at him for falling on top of her sand-palace. He bit back a smile at the memory. With Blair it was never a sand-castle, she was her Daddy's little princess therefore deserved a palace. He could still feel the hot tears welling up inside him when she relentlessly yelled at him for being so stupid. He could smell the soil and plants as he hid in the bushes away from her, wanting to be near her but not wanting to be seen. He could see her brown locks appearing in front of the said bush and her small mouth demanding he came out of his hiding place, she wasn't about to ruin her new shell pink party dress just to go and fetch a silly boy. Hesitantly, the four year old Nate had crept out towards her. He was mesmerized by her headband, it was incredibly girly. Pink sparkles and sequins everywhere. Perhaps if he'd been watching where 

he was going he would have noticed to boulder in front of him and maybe he wouldn't have fallen head first, splitting his knee open in the process. He felt his leg tingle now just thinking about it, he still had the two inch scar.

The four year old Blair Waldorf had turned around, huffed at his idiocy and pulled him to his feet. Nate had screamed in pain until she had hit him across the face. 'Shut up' she had ordered, 'only girls can scream like that, you're a boy, act like a boy'. Nate had shut up pretty quickly, the eyes that were so very captivating could just as easily turn into cold, dark marbles and would frighten even the scariest of people into doing what she said. Perhaps this was why she was the only four year old in Manhattan to have her own car, albeit she wasn't allowed to drive, but she insisted on being taken to places in 'her car', a pink convertible with her initials sewn into the headrests.

'My knee hurts' he had whined.

'I know, stupid' she had reprimanded, 'it's bleeding'

Nate had kept his mouth shut from that point onwards. Blair had pushed him into the swing seat and inspected his knee. 'I'm not scared of blood' she had informed him, 'only sissys are scared of blood'. Nate had never forgotten this, and it amused him when in 7th grade they were instructed to dissect a frog and she had put on a very convincing show of being terrified of blood and gore. She had succeeded and was allowed to sit out of the class, receiving a top mark anyway. It was on her way out that she had caught his eye and he had winked at her. She had smirked back and raised an eyebrow as she passed and BAM! He'd fallen just like that.

Sometimes he wondered what exactly had caused her to withdraw from him. The first part of their relationship was amazing. Okay so they were young but there is the saying 'ignorance is bliss'. The 7th grade Blair wasn't bothered about public opinion, mainly because there was no 'it girl' or 'in crowd' or 'perfect weight'. As soon as they were halfway through 8th grade though, Blair's entire world revolved around the 'Four G's'. Guys-of which she had the best, Girlfriends-of which she was in no short supply, and Gossip Girl-possibly the one thing she feared, other than public humiliation, which in a way, Nate thought, was the same thing.

Then when his affair with Serena had come to light things had never been quite the same, resulting in their eventual break-up. Time passed and 'things' happened, Blair stopped trying to make him realize he needed her, she stopped trying to persuade him to meet her, she backed off completely and Nate found himself attracted to the new Blair Waldorf, the Blair Waldorf who became more and more carefree, who began to become more mysterious and shady. He had suggested to a reluctant Blair that they reunite, which they did, and things were great. He was really beginning to enjoy being with her, just her, not the person she was trying to be. Then the bombshell that was the 'Chuck/Blair Affair' dropped and everything changed.

Now though, for the first time in weeks, he had an uneasy feeling inside of him that he may have made the wrong decision...

Her smile dropped and Nate almost cried out. He wanted to plead with her to smile again, go back to the real Blair, the one he fell in love with. Then he realized why exactly her smile had vanished.

"Hey" Vanessa said, taking a seat next to him.

He turned to her and forced a grin, kissing her cheek. He was almost happy when he heard Blair make a gagging noise.

"Hi Blair' Vanessa spoke in an over-enthusiastic voice, "shouldn't you be sat at the singles table?"

"I know you're slow Vanessa…but I'm not single"

Vanessa raised an eyebrow in a way that suggested she might as well be.

More people joined the table, none managing to conceal their shock when they saw Blair sat there. Over the course of the dinner Nate was distracted by various people and Blair was relieved when she didn't have to ignore his not-so-sneaky-glances. But that meant all her attention was focused on her boyfriend, sat at the head table. Watching with such an intensity that it verged upon obsession. She watched for flirtatious winks to other girls, the dropping of his cell number into girls' laps etc. By the time speeches rolled round she had barely touched her food. It was the usual crap, she had been hoping for something a little more special, unique maybe, but nothing. Speeches ended and a thunderous clapping ensued. She knew it was time. Her time to shine.

Standing up, she waited for quiet until she spoke.

"If you don't mind…I'd like to say a few words?" she asked Lily.

Lily shared a quick, worried glance at Serena before nodding graciously.

Blair smiled in return and gazed out at the audience. All eyes were on her, as they should be. Her gaze flitted across to Chuck who was staring at her, daring her to speak. She rose to the challenge.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure you all know who I am-'

There was a satisfying murmur of approval. Blair soldiered on.

"The wedding today provided the perfect opportunity for me to reflect on my future and my own relationship-"

At this Chuck leaned in unconsciously.

"It made me realize a few things. What is Minnie without Mickey? What is Ross without Rachel? What is Beyonce without Jay-Z? What is Bart without Lily?"

A short chuckle went through the guests.

"The question most important to me, however, is…what is Blair Waldorf without Chuck Bass?"

Silence.

"I fell in love with Chuck Bass when he asked me why I wore a bra when I had nothing to put in it. Naturally I slapped him and stormed off, vowing never again to speak to him, little did I know that it was just the start. Over the course of the year our minor tiffs grew into fiery rows, which in turn grew into full-fledged arguments which then transformed into all out war. Waldorf versus Bass. Girls versus Boys. Beauty versus the Beast."

Another mass chuckle. Chuck glared at her. She continued oblivious.

"And my love for him grew from that. Somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid fights and retarded jokes, I fell in love. He made me laugh, a trait which I greatly admire in men. If a guy smells nice and can make you smile he's halfway there. I think we can all admit that Chuck goes to great lengths to smell nice, resulting in the horrifically expensive water bills Bart receives per month."

More laughs. More glares.

"So I was infatuated with Charles Bartholomew Bass. He lit up something inside of me that no-one else could. He was enigmatic and mystifying. I'd never met someone that made me do the chasing. When he smiled he had my undivided attention. When he laughed I had an urge to laugh with him. When he cried I had an urge to hold him. He's only ever said it once and I'm pretty sure he was intoxicated at the time-"

Heads bobbed as laughter echoed round the hall. Chuck Bass' reputation preceded him.

"But when he said he loved me, he had my heart forever. The news about us dating broke out and people would come up to me laughing, and ask me what I saw in him. I just smiled and said "Everything you don't". Because when you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults. You don't look for answers. You don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes, you accept the faults and you overlook excuses. You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear. The measure of love is when you love without measure. There are rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and who loves you in return. So once you have it, you don't let it go. The chance may never come your way again. And I grabbed it with both hands."

Blair paused and surveyed the room. Yes, she hadn't lost her touch, her audience was still captivated.

"Perhaps I grabbed it with a little too much enthusiasm. I guess for once in my life I wanted someone who was scared to lose me. Who wanted me, even needed me enough to hold onto me with everything they've got. But sometimes when you love someone so much, you want to believe they're good. You begin to overlook the things you shouldn't. Like lipstick on his collar. Perfume that isn't yours on his neck. The constant lateness. The excuses. It all builds up and there's this niggling voice of doubt in your head begging you to not be so stupid."

A few heads turned in Chuck's direction; he stared defiantly at them until they resumed their previous positions before redirecting his venomous look at his girlfriend.

"I don't know why we all hang onto something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what we don't really even have. But I do know that sometimes it's _really_ hard to let go of something old when there's nothing new to hold onto. Some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is about ten times harder than not having it at all."

She caught Nate's eye.

"This point is even more significant when it comes to Chuck Bass. Chuck is Chuck. You either love him or you hate him. He may seem to be the arrogant, self-centered, womanizing ass-hole you think he is, but that's probably because he's hidden the real him away from you. As far as I know, Chuck has only ever revealed the true him to one person, me. For a while I was the only person to be with him properly. I had his love, his protection, his care, his feelings, his thoughts…and I hope that, I mean, I like to think that, for a while…I might have had his heart"

A quick glance at Chuck and his expression changed. He was no longer glaring at her, he was listening intently. He nodded when he caught her eye, indicating that yes, she did have his heart…once. Blair felt the tears begin to well up but she soon managed to control them. A Waldorf never cried in public.

"None of you know what it feels like, to witness this amazing, unseen part of Chuck Bass, to be included in the sincere part of him, only to suddenly find yourself back where you started. Right at the beginning with his old self greeting you. His kisses were never the same; his whispers weren't quite right, his touches were rough and hurried. It wasn't the same. It wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't the Chuck Bass that I wanted. Having half of him near enough killed me. He's like a drug, you get so addicted that when there's none left…you have no idea what to do with yourself. The Chuck I fell for had gone."

Silence. She was getting too emotional, she realized that. It was time for her to switch into bitch mode.

"Joseph Campbell once said that 'Marriage is not a simple love affair. It's an ordeal, and the ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one'. I think Bart and Lily have pretty much got that covered, but Chuck and I? Not so much. I'm going to be honest with you…I have a massive ego. Yes, I know I do" she said, raising her hands.

Strained laughter.

"But it was an ego that I was more than willing to demolish when it came to the Waldorf/Bass relationship. Chuck, meanwhile, has an ego that puts mine to shame. There was no way that he could have put it aside to be with me. Chuck Bass doesn't come as half of a pair. He's sold on his own. There's no two for the price of one or buy one get one free with Chuck. But I thought I'd changed him, I thought we'd turned a corner and he was finally going to submit himself to become what I hoped he would. So you'll imagine my ultimate despair when I discovered he'd cheated on me several times during our relationship. That he couldn't commit to the deal that was 'us'."

Blair thought she heard a pin drop on the other side of Manhattan, she wasn't sure though.

"When I asked him if he was free to come over he'd say he was busy. Yeah, busy screwing some other girl. When I asked him what kept him the night before he said he was held up. Yeah, held up by some other girl. When I asked him if he wanted to stay the night he'd say he had a meeting the next morning. Yeah, a meeting involving a bed, a girl and the removing of all of one's clothes. When I asked him if I had his heart he said yes. Of all his lies I think that was my favorite, that and 'I love you'. No-one has Chuck Bass' heart except himself. Not for more than a short while anyway. "

She caught sight of Lily checking her watch and signaling to one of the security guards. Time to wrap it up.

"So, here's to being lied to. To being walked on, used, promised something and fed bullshit. Here's to seeing the best in him, not believing that he could possibly be as awful as he turned out to be. Here's to trusting over and over and over again because you really wanted to believe that what he did was a mistake, that he'd changed. He won't change. The way he is and was is the way he will always be. If he lies to you, he doesn't feel you are good enough to hear the truth. If he plays you, you don't mean enough to him for him to be with just you, breaking a promise means he is okay with disappointing you. He knows what he is doing when he is doing it. He knows what will hurt you and he does it anyway. As much as he says he does, he doesn't really care about you. Here's to him saying he's sorry. With him, it's one of those words that is said so many times it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. The only reason he is sorry is because he was caught in his lie. Excuses mean nothing, nothing he could possibly come up with could fix what he did. The lesson learned today? Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to fall with you…least of all Chuck Bass"

Blair took a big gulp from her champagne flute, picked up her purse and strode out of the room. As the doors slammed behind her she heard the place erupt into whispers and hushed conversations. She didn't care, she was done here. Perhaps she'd move, someplace new. Someplace fresh, somewhere in need of a new Queen B.

"Blair!"

She stopped in her tracks and turned around.

"Nathaniel! How nice to see you!" she exclaimed, over exuberantly.

"Blair, stop this. Stop all of this. He's hurt you, I know he has. But you and me, we're meant to be together. You must have realized that." he blurted.

"Yes. And I still have feelings for you. Not enough to want you back, but enough for them to hurt"

"I'm willing to forgive and forget if you are…"

Blair smiled, but to Nate's dismay it wasn't the grin he'd seen earlier, it was one he'd never seen before. Perhaps mocking him, perhaps sympathizing with him, perhaps even…challenging him. She hugged him as she spoke.

"Oh Nate, I wish you'd have realized this earlier. It would have made things so much easier. But the truth is-" she whispered, stepping back, "I just don't want you anymore"

She turned once again and stepped out into the sunshine, turning left and ignoring the limousine waiting for her.

"BLAIR!"

This time she froze. It wasn't Nate this time, it was Chuck. And she was terrified of his reaction.

"Careful Bass" she told him, "I had a bowl of bitchy for breakfast"

"I can tell" he snapped, grabbing her arm, "You think you can just humiliate me like that and get away with it?"

"You can only push a girl away for so long Chuck before they walk out of your life on their own. And you know how I like to go out with a bang"

"You can pretend you don't care Blair, but we both know the truth, you can more that you can imagine."

"Care about what. About you? Don't make me laugh"

"Why? Scared you might fall in love with me again?"

"Again? Chuck, I'm still _in_ love with you"

"Then what the fuck was that inside?!"

She had no idea why she'd just said that, she'd been doing so well.

"I know I'm not a lot of the things you've gone for in the past. I know I'm not perfect-"

"Start a revolution Blair, stop hating your body"

"-but in the end you're just a typical guy dragging a girl along behind you because you're not sure what you want"

"I know I'd very much like your body on mine"

"You're such a twat Chuck, but I can't help being in love with you"

"So, let me get this straight…you decided to publicly humiliate me in front of the entire Upper East Side at the main social event of the year, not to mention my father's wedding…to tell me that you love me?"

Blair laughed callously and put a hand on his arm.

"No. I decided to publicly humiliate you in front of the entire Upper East side at the main social event of the year, not to mention your father's wedding…to tell you that I'm dumping you"

"You're what?!"

"Dumping you. I know it may seem a harsh concept Chuck, being stuck in the unusual position of being the dumpee not the dumper…but yes, I am breaking up with you"

"You love me"

"I know and it's a harsh fact I'll have to face, that yes I love you, and yes I probably always will. And yes, the sad thing is you don't love me and no, you probably never will."

"If I said I loved you, would it make a difference?"

"Not really. I'm sick of people who love me; people who hate me are much more interesting"

"Anyone who told you to be yourself, Blair Waldorf, couldn't have given you worse advice"

"I seem to remember it was you"

"So maybe I give bad advice…..I'm Chuck Bass"

"I know…sadly"

"So you're leaving?"

"Yes"

"You know what they say Waldorf" he said, moving closer.

"And what is that Bass?"

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

"Not in your case, evidently. You didn't call me once in the past 3 weeks. I could've been anywhere!"

"But you weren't"

"That's not the point" she muttered, pushing him away angrily.

"Stop running away Blair"

"Who says I'm running away?"

"I do. And you're only doing it to see who will follow, you'll come back…to me"

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn Chuck, is just to love and be loved in return. Until then, try mastering the art of modesty"

"Chuck Bass doesn't do modest" he pointed out, smirking.

She smiled longingly, letting it linger on her lips, her eyes searching his one last time.

"I know"

"Chuck?!" someone called from inside.

The trance was broken, he still gazed into her eyes but hers was averted towards the building.

"You should go. Leave, like you always do. I'm ready this time" she told him.

He leaned in and cupped his hand under her chin, drawing her to him. Planting a soft, slow kiss on her lips he stayed there for a few moments, letting her run her hands through his hair, giving her a chance to respond before drawing back.

"I wonder how many times we'll say goodbye before we actually let go."

She touched her lips gently, knowing that the kiss would remain with her forever, but it was time to go.

"Stop counting."

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**Review? x**

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